Where are the days going?

I cannot believe we are one month out from completing radiation therapy. Time has really flown by, and I am so thankful for the time it has taken for the skin to heal. I went for my one-month follow-up appointment with the radiation oncologists, and she is happy with the results on the skin and taught me how to perform a massage I must do twice a day on the “square” where radiation was directed at my breast. The area still looks tan, and it very well may stay that way. I am not too concerned about that – my only concern is the pain in the area. It’s still incredibly tender. I do have the orders for the first mammogram in April. Overall, I am very happy with this appointment, and I got to see the radiation technicians! They were very sweet!

In other developments, the pain in my feet has worsened, and I had originally written it off as just my clumsiness after twisting my ankle. However, BOTH feet are in pain, and it was clearly not the ankle or the foot. It has been hard to get out of bed and have my feet touch the floor. I feel pain in the heels, and it feels like shooting pain and needles. The area around the foot feels like static (like when you get that static feeling from sitting too long?), and the instep and arch feel so achy and require frequent stretching. Once I get momentum and movement, it goes away for only a little bit, but if I sit down for more than 5 minutes, then that sensation returns. If I stand still in certain positions, the pain is minimized, but standing for long periods of time is extremely exhausting. It had been about two weeks of me writing these symptoms off until I finally called the oncologist. This is a weird case of neuropathy because I am about 3 months out from chemotherapy. Anecdotal reports describe the onset of neuropathy during chemo and even months after chemo. But it is most common during chemo. I used the ice gloves and socks to prevent neuropathy during treatment, and I thought I was safe and spared. There is no cure but only pain management. I am SO thankful this has not affected my hands and fingers, but I am concerned about the duration of these symptoms. The doctor mentioned it could be a couple of months, but there is no way to tell. I’ve been advised that my route of symptom management will be doubling the dose of the medication I am on. I am dreading it since the current dose incapacitates me – I cannot drive, and it makes me very drowsy. I’ve had to cancel my outings with loved ones and friends today, which makes me sad. I sincerely hope there is an understanding that I am trying my best to be social while balancing these symptoms. Today is my first day of the doubled dose, and it’s already wreaking havoc on my stomach.

The tender skin, the neuropathy, and the gastrointestinal issues are the current battles. I need to make peace with this. I need to proceed in a way that allows for grace, patience, and above all, flexibility in dealing with these symptoms. I am not sure if this is the right understanding, but is it the case now that these symptoms place me in the chronic illness group? A conversation I have not had is that with the cancer, I now have a pre-existing condition which can bar me from being covered under insurance – meaning I have to stay at this job, right? These are questions I dread the answers to and have no energy to investigate.

Regardless of this, I still feel so thankful to be done with treatment and praying every day and declaring every day that I am cancer-free now and forever. I understand the remnants of treatment are due to the aggressiveness of the treatment. We had to be aggressive with a very aggressive cancer. I understand that I gave a year of my life to be able to live the rest of my life cancer-free. It’s funny, since this week, one year ago, was when I went to the doctor and got the referral to get the mammogram. The first week of December was when I was diagnosed with cancer. What a disgustingly terrible year it has been. I am so thankful for my life and am looking forward to having a couple of days with my brother traveling to Cali. I know it will be a lot of walking, but I am really excited.

This past week has been really busy with lots of errands and fires to put out. I am thankful for the freedom not to worry about work. It has been really helpful. I have to deal with a broken-down fridge and a couple of other house maintenance items. I am so grateful for this availability and, honestly, thankful for a job I can return to. Where are my days going? I really have nothing to show for it, but I have to recognize that there is no standard, there are no requirements to indicate that I have spent this time “as I should have” – this is a weird mental imprisonment I have inflicted on myself. I am still a work in progress, and I am thankful for the grace and love from the people who surround me. Thank you thank you.