I’m annoying myself

I am slowly gaining ground in improving my health. Slowly, I am getting there. I am literally taking baby steps. I am focusing on sleep quality right now and recognize that, while I sometimes think I am at 100% health, I get frustrated when my body doesn’t align with that expectation. And vice versa, I have been experiencing brain fog, and I see how my family gets frustrated by the struggle I have in recollecting things. Words come out garbled, and sometimes I don’t know the word I need at the time. My therapist has urged me to just reframe this as “it’s just a bit difficult to recall” after I mentioned it felt like I wasn’t the same smart, fast-thinking person I was. I have often thought about how smart I was in college, how much I accomplished, and how that doesn’t really feel like the case. Should I even bother with pursuing a Ph.D.? The thoughts also start to take shape on how I haven’t really optimized or taken advantage of this – I didn’t pursue this before cancer, and was that a wasted opportunity?

Anyways, time off has really helped me sit with my thoughts and be alone with myself. I am happy where I am right now, with no work stress. I am also hoping to sew more this month. I have endeavored to go out and read at cafes, run errands, and do all of these things, and …. I really can only do one or two things before I am wiped out. I was so ambitious to follow an intense workout regimen and lose the extra pounds I gained, and now I am just finally recognizing that this won’t happen. The final frontier I have is taking naps—I’m not a fan, but we’ll see.

Things have been quiet, and that’s the best thing I can hope for right now.