Wednesday Thoughts

It’s morning and I am back from radiation therapy. It has been going well, and it’s simply been nice to know that I am reaching the end of this path. I have been experiencing more fatigue lately, and it’s due to the fact that I’ve been weaned off the steroids that were helping me navigate the ordeal from the immuno-induced colitis. It had to end sometime. Long-term use has left me worse for wear, well, really, this whole treatment has left me worse for wear, so I can’t just place the ultimate blame on the steroids. I had my last meeting with the radiation oncologist, and she was very happy with the results and how the area is looking. If she is happy, then I am really happy. The area still looks unsightly, as if I’ve spent multiple days out in the sun without protection on my skin. It’s peeling, tender, and red. I will see her in a month so she can check the progression of the healing of the skin. She will also loop me in on the aftercare, including massage and other components. The worst part of this whole thing is the waiting. After I finish radiation, I will have to wait 6 months to get my next mammogram to determine if I am free from cancer. I’ve been going nonstop with treatment to now to be told to just wait feels like a gnarly case of whiplash.

Out of sight, out of mind, right? Maybe I’ll fare okay, if anything, the limited intake of information regarding cancer, my abstaining from becoming involved in peer support spaces has cocooned me in a way I didn’t realize would be super helpful from the mental affront the stress of waiting brings. I am feeling confident just reminding myself that my amazing and badass breast surgeon managed to get large clean margins during surgery, and there were a few cells found (if I remember correctly, less than 100 cancer cells found in the lymph nodes – not yet metastatic according to their guidelines). Chemotherapy and radiation caught any stragglers, and a mammogram taken a month after my surgery and countless scans did not indicate any migration of the cells making their way to bones, internal organs, or anywhere else. I am praying that I am free from this disease and that by my choosing to undergo a brutal regimen of treatment now means that I did everything in my power, available to me by science, to heal my body. The fear of recurrence remains and is likely to intensify. This is my next battle.

I have really enjoyed having the opportunity to rest. I’ve been reading a lot and fighting the urge to nap; I’m not much of a napper, to be honest. I always feel like I have to make the most of the whole day. I had my short-term disability claim denied, so that was not ideal. I am happy to take this time to focus on something other than work. I am also looking forward to next week, when I will meet with my oncologist to review what has happened, and believe it or not, it’ll be my birthday! I am so excited to be turning 32. Next week will be busy, as I will be attending the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk that weekend. It’ll be my first, and I am excited to be part of a new community for me. A club I didn’t know existed, and I don’t want to be a member of. However, I must make the best of it and keep moving forward.