Answered Prayers and Delightfulness

I started my leave, and what an awkward and joyful time it has been! Awkward in navigating what to do other than rest. When faced with answered prayers, I sighed in relief – I am so happy to have the ability to have this time off to heal and not worry about work responsibilities. The other side of the coin is the fact that I was just pondering what to do – I was ambitious, but now I’m taking a step back. I thought, “Why not deep clean the house?” It was good to do since I had been feeling the urge to clean and declutter my closet and another closet in time for a city-wide textile-recycling day. I only managed to complete two rooms, but it felt good to do so, and simultaneously, I became overwhelmed by the task and the limitations of my body. It feels weird, but it makes sense. Anything is miles better than when I was receiving chemotherapy infusions, but still nowhere, and I emphasize, nowhere near normal responding and performance. This is a tough pill to swallow when my mind is racing and trying to tackle as much as possible.

Not to mention, with me weaning off the steroids, this has created another layer of nuance where my body is now really feeling the effects of the radiation therapy and is no longer being held afloat with the help of the steroids. I feel like Jack hanging on for dear life on that door, and the steroids not moving over to help me get on board, and now they’re starting to peel my fingers off the door. Damn you, Rose! I’m still okay!!! Or something like that, honestly my brain is not up to normal responding either so when I think and speak it kind of just feels like there is some familiarity that I am on the right track with an analogy or comparison and halfway through the process I start to second guess myself, and at that point I just throw the thought at the wall and see what sticks. I’ve fared well with this strategy, and not to mention, I am just so thankful that those around me are understanding and help me in the process.  

Physically, the radiation is now starting to take a toll, and I am thankful that it took this long. The skin is raw and looking extremely burnt. The lymph nodes were not targeted, but the area underneath the armpit looks the worst with the peeling. It does make for an incredibly uncomfortable time when a hot flash hits and the sweat stings the raw skin. I am moisturizing as much as possible, but I think it’s just the location really working against me. I may also end up with a permanent tan, according to the doctor. I am feeling okay about that – the damage to my body doesn’t feel oppressive or negative. It’s just an unfortunate side effect. A necessary trade-off to ensure I live a long and healthy life.

With regards to what to – I am hoping to use the remainder of the weeks in treatment to just focus on activities that fulfill me. That would be reading, creating some art, and enjoying the media that bring me joy. I am excited to rewatch Dead Poets Society – a favorite Fall film. Once treatment is over and my body starts to heal back up, then I will focus more on studying my textbook and brushing up on strategies for work. I also considered taking a free course on Coursera and taking time to engage in something I genuinely like to do – studying. I won’t lie, I considered doing some certifications, but I don’t know about that. I was more curious to engage in a paleontology course and learn more about this field. Who knew watching Jurassic Park in the Emergency Room would have such an impact? I do credit my therapist with reminding me of this part of my hobbies and loves.

As I continue on this healing journey, I know I’ll continue to face reflection and processing of the events that are now nearing their one-year anniversary of occurring (mid-November was when I felt the lump, and December I was formally diagnosed).  What a wild year it has been, and it’s really left me worse for wear and reflective on what comes next. I don’t expect to rebound and be at the peak of health in a couple of months, but I am certainly starting to ensure there is consistency in key habits to set me up for success (prioritizing sleep, eating well, and engaging in joyful activities). I think I am starting to assess what is left after this wild situation. For one, I am proud of how I navigated friendship ghosting and what a minor disruption this has imposed in the grand scheme of it all. Yes, this is a truly difficult thing to behold – someone I previously held near and dear no longer choosing to be my friend or to even do the bare minimum to check in – but they did the hard part for me. They may have made it incredibly easy for me not to miss them. Why would I want a friend like that? Friendships mean being friends through the good and especially in the bad. They were no true friend at all. And in the process of my facing this change, it was overshadowed by all the friends and people in my community who checked in and ensured that I was okay. I’ve been so in awe and appreciative of their presence and love. This process also held up a mirror for me to reflect on – that, despite knowing I had this support, there were several moments where I chose to refuse it because I was sure that I was fine and didn’t want to impose. I am wrestling with shame around that, but I know a lot of this is just thoughts and faulty thoughts at that – that I still feel my self-worth comes from external factors and is determined by how little I impose on others. An ongoing lesson for sure.

Today was spent well, tackling some tasks and completing items off my to-do list. This week, I hope to watch some videos on sewing and other hobbies. My main barriers have been fatigue and raw skin. Many of the mental barriers have been rooted in the paradox of existing while having intentions and thoughts, but a body that doesn’t align. I’m excited to see a dear friend on Thursday and have an eventful weekend, going to soccer games with my family. Two games, one on Friday and one on Saturday. I’ll make sure to hydrate and eat before to make sure I make it okay, given the fatigue. I am so happy to be nearing the end of treatment! A wild year and an emerging path to a new existence where my health takes priority while I  also exist with hyper-vigilance and hyper-awareness of not just my mortality, but the state of my mind as I contend to maintain inner peace and minimize stress. A fine balance to achieve, but not a battle for now. I’ll be okay!