Deep breath in and out

As I am progressing through treatment, the load is getting lighter. Now, the symptoms persist, and the physical toll has continued, albeit at a more manageable pace. And just embracing the gratitude and knowledge that my body has persisted and is now healing. In this brutal game of dodgeball, at least that is the form this battle is taking now, I am feeling incredibly positive. I’m getting better at dodging the hits, and even the hits I am taking are not as serious, and they’re bouncing off. I am managing the anxiety for all the unknowns that are in my future, but I am just feeling incredibly grateful, appreciative, and relieved. Above all, just so joyful and elated. Like that wave of peace and calm in your body when you take a really great deep breath in and out of your body. I am hoping that I can integrate this feeling and have it be a constant. I know I’ll have good and bad days, but I’m feeling really good right now. In reflecting on all the anxieties I held before, so many of them seem silly and little and not worth the rumination. I guess that’s good. I am leaving behind everything that doesn’t serve me or work to my benefit. I am not saying I’m always that constant, happy-go-lucky, and positivity-filled – but I am just in a good place. Part of me was thinking, what if this is the continuation of the side effect “unusual sense of well-being,” and even if it is, baby, I need to feel good. So this is welcomed with open arms. Call me delusional, but I’m just vibing.

I will definitely keep an eye on it, but one thing I’ve been particularly thankful for is that I refrained from going down rabbit holes, researching this thing more, and ruminating on the worst-case scenario. This was above my pay grade, and I felt confident in my care team. I also credit my meditation practice and re-reading books on Buddhism. I really did that; I took a massive hit and persevered. I’m honestly just so in awe of the science behind all of this – what a feat to be able to give people a fighting chance. This past week, I attended a fundraiser kickoff event for the American Cancer Society, and I feel that this is something I would like to pursue. I would like to advocate for comprehensive care and access to helpful resources, as well as increase funding for research. I always maintained that we are all temporarily abled, and this experience was a validation of that – we need advocacy and more research for effective treatment options. I just know I need time to reflect on my emotional roller coaster of a time and learn how to speak about my experience. I still haven’t attended a support group meeting, and that’s something I want to do soon. We’ll see what happens.

In the grand scheme of things, all is going well. There is just a little bit of an increase with self-esteem issues, and I know this is normal, but I can’t help feeling a bit frustrated by this, too. Two things can be true at the same time, and I must remember this. I can feel both such joyous feelings for being alive, and I can still feel like I am embodying a different version of my body that is struggling to fit into the clothes I have, and having such a shock when I see who is staring back at me in the mirror. My hair is growing in, my eyebrows are growing in, and my eyelashes too! I am happy to see my hair and excited to go out of the house without a scarf. I guess it’s time to explore new looks, but I won’t force it. It is what it is!