Mid-week check-in

This week has been long, and it’s only Wednesday! Monday was a much-needed holiday, and I was really happy to have an extra day to rest and focus on the good in my life. This week also marks the start of my Radiation Therapy. The process has been fast and so far very interesting. As I was told, chemo was systematic in its approach to destroying the good and the bad. Radiation appears to be more external and topical. I arrive and change into a gown, then walk to a cold, white room with a large machine in the center. I lay on the flat bed and lay back with my arms up and my head moved facing to the left. I maintain this posture for the entirety, and the techs adjust my positioning as needed. My arm can get tired, but I’ve been able to maintain this position, and the techs are reassuring and kind. They give me plenty of notice about how long things will take and update me on the machine’s status as they close the heavy wooden door behind them. Smash Mouth is playing in the background, and I am thankful for a good soundtrack to get me through radiation and pray as I hear the machine start to whir and move around me. It’s odd to see a machine move and not see anything come out or see/feel any immediate effect. They come back in and tell me it’s all over. I change back and head back out. Treatment is 15 minutes. I head back home, and man, Aquaphor is my best friend. Off the cuff, the first symptoms I am experiencing are a prickly and itchy feeling on the breast. Redditors have advised to aim for 80oz of water, stretch, and place plenty of cream 3x a day to prevent the worst of it – and all agree – the commute and monotonous features are the biggest contributors to the fatigue and suffering.

These initial symptoms and sessions have been overshadowed by the immense suffering brought on by gastrointestinal issues. Originally, I thought it was a bug or maybe I ate something funky, but it’s gotten progressively worse. I called, expecting to receive some over-the-counter recommendations or actionable advice, but instead was told to come in for some lab tests. The working assumption based on my symptoms is that the immunotherapy is doing me in with some gnarly side effects, but we need to rule out parasites and infections. I received an extra bag of fluids today, so that was nice to have hydration secured for the day. However, I didn’t put any numbing cream on my port area, and when I tell you the pain was immense, it was the worst part of this week. I am still recoiling from the feeling of the needle pushing into the skin. I am tired and cranky. I understand I chose an early time to receive radiation, but this is not sustainable with work. Taking unpaid leave is a serious consideration. I managed to make it work with chemotherapy, but I do not want to suffer – I want to rest. I am thinking it’s the lack of steroids keeping me afloat that is making me realize how not okay I really am. This is really a lesson on not fronting – I don’t want to mask my suffering anymore, and I’m upset at myself for doing so during chemotherapy.

I’ve restarted to focus heavily on gratitude. Thank you for the quick response from my doctor, for accommodating me near a restroom during this time, and for allowing me to be seen so soon. Thank you for my easy access to Aquaphor, thank you for a radiation machine that’s working, thank you for Gatorade that has been my best friend right now. There are many things to be thankful for in the face of this terrible time. I know I had previously said how this time feels like I am coming out of a rip current – and it still feels like it – but I think it’s safe to say the waves are extra high right now and extra turbulent as I make my way out. It gets worse before it gets better, right? I’m hoping that is the case right now.

I’ve been going to bed at 8:30 p.m. each night, which has been lovely. I am looking forward to tonight and hoping to get some relief from these symptoms. I’ve been thinking that if I take unpaid leave, I may invest in a steam cleaner and clean the house. I would have time to restart my eBay account and sell the clothes I no longer wear – plus that money would be helpful, especially since I would be financially stressed, and I can focus on reading and resting. This week I’ve felt like a zombie and haven’t felt like I’ve done my best at work. Here’s to a better tomorrow and to more clarity and answered questions.