It’s only Tuesday

Today is only Tuesday, and I received my shot yesterday. It was a quick visit, but since then, and especially today, I’ve been in pain and incredibly irritable. I don’t understand why this wave of emotions and sadness has taken over.

Well, actually, there are a couple of reasons, but the way I’ve managed has been harder than usual. It’s been harder to keep my cool, and it just feels like I’ve fought and I’ve clung to some sense of normalcy, and now it really is just cracking. I’ve been made to make choices constantly, and I am cracking. I am exhausted and even more so than before. It’s been two to three weeks since my last chemo session, and the lack of steroids to keep me floating has stopped, thus I am struggling. I am more irritable and sadder.

I’ve been feeling sad on a personal level due to plans going awry and the disappointment that comes with unmet expectations and reality.

In other areas of life, I am frustrated by strained finances and waiting for HR’s decision on how to proceed with my next steps. I have to receive radiation for six and a half weeks, and it’s five days a week. My first session is on September 2, and I’ll likely end the week of my birthday. The duration of six and a half weeks hasn’t been confirmed, but it’s a personal wish to ensure I receive the lowest dose of radiation to decrease the chances of toxicity. Receiving radiation for 4 weeks would mean the dosage would be higher, and I’ve got my concerns – guess who read personal accounts and is now scared of radiation? This schedule would prevent me from traveling, which, as I mentioned, is a requirement of my job. And if they give me issues, I would have to take an unpaid break of six weeks. Have I noted this laptop is on its last legs? I feel bad asking for money via the GoFundMe link, but I will have to do so sometime this week to help me make ends meet with bills. I am exhausted, and while all signs point to this process not being as intense as chemotherapy, the routine is what is going to take a toll. Every day, I will have to wake up at 4:30am, get ready, eat, and be on the road at 6am to arrive at 7am and be there for 15-25 minutes receiving radiation, and make the quest back home to arrive before 9am to start my shift. I have to do it, but the mental load will be something else I’ll have to battle. I’ll have to focus on rest during this time, and since Sunday, I really haven’t had much motivation to open my social media as much. I may just become a bit of a recluse during this time. It’s hard to even describe this time. I would have thought the worst was over with chemo, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore, and I am really just over it.