It’s Saturday Morning

Today I woke up at 8:00 a.m. and finished my work notes. Though I fell behind, I’m glad to have completed them by 10:30 a.m and have the rest of the weekend to myself. Work has been challenging. Still, I must keep moving forward. This upcoming week, I’m focusing on and increasing my hours to meet my time goal. I’m excited for August and my one-year anniversary, when I can finally access my FMLA benefits. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get this earlier—it would have made a difference. Sometimes I wish I were rich, allowing me to focus on healing and spend time with my family instead.

Despite these challenges at work, I keep reminding myself that I’m “doing the thing,” against my will, of course. But I’m moving along. I am facing the challenges. I just feel like a knight, and I’m just tired of all the trials. I just need a break. I’m not expecting a grand reward. I just want to be able to sit by the side of the stream and rest, without any expectations or stress.

This week I had my echocardiogram. The technician was kind and explained his process and work with chemotherapy patients, ensuring their hearts remain healthy. Hearing his assessment on my heart and updates on research was reassuring. His optimism made me optimistic, too. I still don’t know much about cancer or its treatments, but hearing him was wonderful. I’m grateful for scientific progress, and confident we’re closer to eradicating it and understanding just how it works.

This week was marked my extensive hours of sleep. I slept a lot this week, which was overdue. Resentment over the ‘lost’ time lingered. Still, I know listening to my body is necessary for navigating work and health challenges.

One thing I keep wrestling with, as I deal with these ups and downs, is the randomness of it all. Sometimes, as I navigate the ups and downs, it feels like luck—the variables aligning to let this grow within me. Conversations with family turn to searching for reasons: spiritual, practical, or otherwise. Is it karma? Is it a lesson? Not having answers makes me wonder if I’m missing something, or if people just need control amid uncertainty. All I can do is hope I’m navigating as best I can, one step at a time.

This weekend, I plan to work on my piñatas. We’ll see how it goes.