The past week and weekend and the week ahead

This past week was shit, and even more shit, how I could not tolerate how to move past it. Monday was hard just with chemo, and I think now I have SOME sense of how my routine will pan out for the week:

Monday: chemo, expect ongoing metallic taste ALL day; avoid dairy and chicken because the flavor is offputting, and even the smell is now pungent. Avoid solids, rely on liquids, and expect no sleep from hot flashes.

Tuesday: Stay on top of anti-nausea meds, expect waves, and have minimal food intake to prevent ongoing nausea. Get a growth shot, and eat minimal solids. Take claritin and pray.

Wednesday: worst of the nausea waves start hitting. Expect to start feeling chills and body soreness; stay away from solid foods, take Claritin, and pray. Try to maintain mental clarity in the face of declining cognitive function. Maintain a positive attitude and try to make it through work.

Thursday: nausea sets in; take Claritin and anti-nausea. Work through body soreness. Despite improved mental cognition, still struggle with work. Start eating solid foods. Stay on top of anti-nausea meds and work through fatigue.

Friday: Finally, sigh a breath of relief and stay on top of anti-nausea meds. Mental clarity is back, but fatigue is still lingering. Catch up as much as possible with missed work.

This past week, I could have faced these symptoms if they were presented alone. Together, I was beaten up and bloodied. This, WITH the expectation of work = is an insurmountable mountain that I am tired of trying to climb.

I am so exhausted, and even in my attempts to have time to bond with loved ones, small things overshadowed me. I genuinely am tired of making decisions. Isn’t that phenomenon called decision fatigue? I am doing so much executive functioning – frying the circuit chips of my brain during work. Outside of that, as easy as I try to make it, I still fail to make it easy on myself not to make any decisions. The onus remains on me to make a choice. I want to cry – that’s it, you guys! I want to cry and be held!!!

I let myself relax a little more on Saturday when I had a much-anticipated trip to see an airshow, and I managed to survive! Did my Fitbit alert me MULTIPLE times my heartbeat was reaching concerning levels – yes, it did, and it was a lesson in being well-prepared. My sweet brother and mom did everything to help me be comfortable and take all the precautions to ensure I wasn’t overheating, got my heart rate back to normal, and was hydrated. I was so thankful for their help and to the people around us who provided their support and efforts (there was a kind security guard who helped us get to our car instead of faring a 20-minute walk in the heat after the show). Trying to keep my symptoms from exacerbating and from enjoying a little bit of the Florida beach and sun was the goal, and I’m happy I got that little win.

On Monday, I am expected to be back at the clinic, this time to receive immunotherapy. I am not looking forward to it simply because the clinic is now negatively paired, and I dread any step on those grounds. Part of me is just thankful for the knowledge that for this chemo drug = there is a lifetime LIMIT that a human can receive. Meaning there is a high chance this chemotherapy won’t be available to me should something occur and I need chemotherapy again. A slight win? I am taking it!