We’re so close to the end! 

Monday was a process; I was so excited to get it done and over with! I met with the doctor and reviewed the latest round of symptoms. The doctor noted the symptoms were expected, and while they were negative in impact, they were not an emergency and nothing they hadn’t seen before. It was not invalidating to hear, but this time around, it felt good to know that I was managing okay in the grand scheme of things. Don’t get me wrong, I am so physically miserable, but I know now that I am so close to the end and that I am in no immediate deathly danger. He mentioned something funny; yes, these symptoms are manageable on their own, but the fact that I am experiencing an onslaught of every front with multiple things all at once – well, that’s where I am miserable. Yesterday, the previous days, and today have been tough on the body. It turns out it’s not the chemo symptoms – it’s the symptoms after the growth shot vaccine I am given that give me the shivering, chilly feels, intense nausea, fever-like symptoms, body soreness, and severe fatigue. Yesterday, I called out, and frankly, I am so thankful because I had no energy to deal with work. Everything is hitting the fan there. And lo and behold, my power also went out, and the estimated time of power return is about 10 pm. I hope to power through today, but I will be at a deficit with my work hours. I did the math, and it’s not much. What was helpful was talking to my coworker, who let me know of additional barriers and drama at work that I now feel I can detach a bit more about. One thing I am dreading is that this Monday, I will need to go back to get immunotherapy and my shot – and I am just dreading the shot. It is given in the muscle, and I’ve got about two weeks now that my arm is in pain – it hurts to move it and complete simple actions. I am dreading that so much.
I think mentally, I am beaten up – I am nearing the end, and I am so thankful for the end, but damn. I am just struggling with keeping it positive when I feel like I’m about to throw up every moment, and my quality of life is so significantly impacted. I met a woman whose mother underwent chemotherapy and treatment for breast cancer. And she had a recurrence – and she decided not to proceed with chemotherapy and treatment. And you know what, I completely understand why, and I don’t fault her for her choice. I am not saying I would go down the same route, but it’s a significant consideration given the impact on quality of life. I am angry and frustrated and need a good cry, but I can’t bring myself to engage in this big cry. I don’t know why. I’ll start and tear up, but my body then seizes, and I can’t cry anymore. It isn’t kind of myself but I don’t see how to navigate this block.
I have a therapy appointment on Monday and am so thankful I get to talk to her. On my list of topics is not just the symptoms but also reviewing how to navigate my feelings of irritability and anger. It’s not anger towards anyone – it’s simply about my situation and work. I feel so trapped by it, exacerbating feelings of uselessness and discontent.