Happy Thursday, we made it another week!
It has felt so wonderful not to have to go to the clinic on Monday to receive my chemotherapy. I know the Sunday scaries will be on full blast this upcoming Sunday, but at least that’s not a “right now” problem. I have struggled to write an update; even journaling has felt like a big task. Not because there is a lot to write or synthesize but because words are failing me. Today has been one of my most coherent mental days since my last chemotherapy session. On top of that, I want to sleep, and when I sit to write, I engage in procrastination, and feelings of sadness wash over with all these thoughts that have been swirling around me.
Physiologically, the body horrors have been even worse this time around.
My eyelashes are slowly falling off.
My skin is breaking out in a rash all over my face – maybe it’s acne, but it’s just really annoying, and I feel so ugly.
The fatigue hits me at the worst times – it’s like that grogginess times 10 when you’re ready to fall asleep, and you start to lose the sense of your surroundings, and you’re about to fall asleep – but I can’t succumb to the sleep because I am typing or in the middle of a work task or eating or heating my meal.
Pain in the surgery site persists – I was told it would take over a year to recover, but now the pain is also a stabbing pain on the affected breast (the one that had the tumor), and it’s concerning pain. It’s hard to tell if it’s normal.
There is a pain in my shoulders from my exercises from occupational therapy. This is not bad, but it is annoying since I did not realize my muscles’ weakness.
There is a pain in my left arm where I received my last shot, and I’m so frustrated that all these needles poke me and cause so much persistent discomfort.
Shortness of breath when making the simplest walk and short distance.
My heart rate can jump up to 140s, and it’s terrifying because this level of exertion should NOT cause such a change.
My distrust in my body has driven me to stop moving for now.
Sometimes, being awake is just too much, and I’m frustrated that my body is shutting down, and mentally, my brain is going at 50 mph.
I repeat conversations.
My nails are brittle and weak.
I ordered a drink at Lineage and forgot what I got. I had to confirm my order with the barista.
Memory has faltered.
I have a dry mouth 24/7.
The bone pain persists; every day, it’s a new part – today, it was the outer areas of the kneecaps and thigh bones.
Emotionally, I continue to cry every day. Lately, there’s been no clear antecedent of sad thoughts; the tears just come. That’s not true – there are antecedents, but writing them out feels overwhelming.
It could be frustration.
I’m eating less.
Some foods have changed in taste for me – but not too drastically, but enough to know it’s happened.
Food aromas are incredibly intense.
The body is weird, and I know it will continue this way for another couple of months.
I would like to talk to my therapist to process the job situation. I genuinely feel gaslit and just very confused with a severe case of whiplash. I have applied to the third internal job posting but have only been rejected again. The director wanted to provide feedback, but I glossed over it since I wondered what that feedback would do. I’m not necessarily seeking professional development here – I am simply trying to survive. The director reached out to a recruiter to ask for any other positions I could apply for. The recruiter reached out asking how I was doing, and it felt like a genuine question since we had previously talked about my situation. I fell for it, thinking she genuinely wanted to know how I was doing. Then the message came that it was to talk about a new position. I joined the call, and it felt even colder and faker. I was really in my feelings since I thought she was genuinely seeking to ask how I was doing, but instead, it was yet more homework, “redo your resume for this new position,” “You’re a great fit,” “it starts at $18 an hour” “send it to be by Monday.” On top of that, she just said vacuous statements about how strong I am. What is the end goal here? Is this them covering themselves and avoiding any authentic accommodation?
I’m just so tired of it all. I’ll do a new resume and apply. If there has been any indication, I’ll be told I’m too overqualified or something along those lines, and I’ll add another rejection to my pile. It has felt like punishment. The director contacted the manager and regional manager and looped me into a message. I was shocked, thinking maybe this was it – I was being let go. The message itself said that things had changed, and for the time being, I would not be required to travel and asked if everyone was on board. The manager and regional director both agreed posting their messages of support and care. This is undoubtedly a blessing, and I was truly grateful, but I felt pushed to the ground, and my face was pushed down repeatedly into the mud. They could have accepted my accommodation from the very beginning, so why were they giving me crumbs and expecting me to kneel in gratitude? In a one-to-one with my direct manager, it turns out that the regional manager really went to bat for me and was the reason the director presented the news. I am grateful for the regional manager, and now the question becomes – why did the director write that message as if the accommodation came from her? The whole ordeal put me in a sour mood and made me sad. The lack of transparency and honesty in this process has been disappointing.
What did I do wrong? Why am I being pushed around like this, and what did I do to deserve this? FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS, I AM THANKFUL FOR THE INSURANCE, BUT WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
There is this phrase in spiritually – “it’s not happening to you – it’s happening for you,” BUT WHY AND IT’S CLEARLY NOT FUCKING WORKING!? Is it supposed to be a lesson on resiliency? I’m still here, aren’t I? I don’t know – there really truly factually is abolutely nothing to gain from this in terms of lessons. The universe is cold and cruel.
I have been asking for a break for years. Things were bad, and now they’ve deteriorated even more, and I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve this.
This is annoying, too; why can’t I write about something positive? Why the fuck am I like this? Anyway, I’ll talk to my therapist about this situation and hopefully get a good cry in as I process this with her.
This weekend, I do have “good” and “fun” plans, but I feel so monotone right now. I wanted to cancel the plans for the weekend, but I’ll go through with it. Might as well, we’re heading to another city to see their fireworks and staying the night. I wanted to cancel since I don’t feel like suffering in the heat and sun, but I might as well enjoy the mobility and the closest approximation to a functioning body before Monday comes around.
Liminal Leisure 
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