What a week 

So far, this week has been the longest and, frankly, the worst in this treatment process. The distrust in my body has been out of this world. Honestly, I was unprepared for what Monday brought; it was terrifying and sad. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were exhausting. Simply being awake was way too much for my body to handle, and the nausea was discapacitating. I can only imagine this is what that pregnancy nausea might entail – I truly despise being nauseous. That sandwich from Panera I wrote about? Diaboloical – the mere thought brings about nausea. I am really thankful that I have not vomited. That remains a massive win for me at this moment.

Yesterday, I had to end work around 4 pm and immediately went to bed – the fatigue was just too much to handle. I slept for a total of 13 hours. I still woke up feeling fatigued and the TMJ too much. I could not handle eating as the acid reflux was intense, and having a dry mouth was incredibly annoying. I have only been able to eat vegetables and chipotle burritos, so at least that’s something, right? Otherwise, anything else really triggers nausea. Another extremely disorienting experience has been the body soreness – my muscles are feeling so weak, and touching them feels painful. I have never experienced something like this and so sustained over days – it has hurt to move, and it has hurt to even sit for extended periods. Added to this aspect has been my delayed response and delayed cognition. Writing has been challenging because I have struggled to complete my thoughts at work.

I am thankful for Friday – today has been much, much improved, though I am still aware of how incapacitated I am. I will drive tomorrow to meet a friend, get my lineage coffee, complete some errands, and see the kitties, but beyond this, I will ask my peers who want to hang out to come and visit me at my home afterward. I will be as low-key as possible for two to three months. I don’t want to risk anything and feel the urge to cocoon myself even more. And it’s not even from an “I need to protect my pride” – it’s simply to prioritize rest.

This week has also been rough on the job front. I interviewed for the internal role and had the second interview on Thursday. I got the message today 10 minutes before the end of the day that I didn’t get the role. She noted that “it was a hard decision and would love to discuss the reasoning behind her choice next week.” I just said have a great weekend. I don’t feel like pursuing any further knowledge on this end, considering I was bringing 8 years of experience, not to mention the whole cancer thing. I cried out of frustration and sadness, but mostly frustration. Again, what is the entire lesson to learn or glean from this? I don’t understand. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Don’t get me wrong, I am still so thankful to have a job and steady income, but damn, considering what I have experienced so far with this new chemo drug, I am genuinely concerned I will struggle to meet the requirements of the job. They’ll have a reason to fire me, thereby stopping my access to health insurance. I’m supposed to travel the second week of July. I am immunocompromised, and I am struggling with symptoms. I am very concerned. We all have choices, but what does it mean when I’m backed into a corner?

Anyways,

Some things that have brought me joy lately:

• A delicious orange that my stomach could tolerate
• An amazing hot shower
• The rain that lulled me to sleep
• My warm and cozy blanket
• Ensure strawberry nutritional drinks

Some things I want:

• If I can tolerate it – a hot dog
• A compression massage / just some ASMR face massage
• A matcha or mocha latte from Lineage
• The motivation to dress up and put makeup on  

Some things I am looking forward to:

• Sleeping
• I am seeing a friend on Saturday (hopefully health-willing)
• Seeing the kitties tomorrow