Thursday updates 

Today, I woke up in severe pain. I had to wake up early to get ready for my reconstruction surgery follow-up appointment, and the appointment itself was mainly waiting – as has every appointment. I was able to meet with the provider, and she reviewed the healing of the surgery site. There was an area that made me scared, as it looked like it might have opened up and was scabbing. She examined it and said it was just a stitch that hadn’t dissolved. What a relief! She was able to remove it there and then without much pain or issues. I was so happy, and she told me I was good to start any scar cream that she wanted wanted me to begin the process of massaging them every day to break up the scar tissue. It’s wild to me, and it dawned on me that I now have to get reacquainted with this part of my body again. How to address thee? They don’t feel like my own, and I feel a strong sense of disconnection. This aspect is not helped by the fact that I don’t have any sensation in them – yes, I can tell when there is pressure or pain – but I don’t experience feeling light touch or caresses. Truly, this is a diabolical outcome for someone whose favorite erogenous zones have now been butchered and rearranged. They are red and fluctuate in redness as the week progresses. It is a weird side effect of the chemotherapy – but alas, I am thankful for no fevers and no sign of an infection.

After the appointment, I had breakfast and logged on to work to attend my interview for an internal, fully remote role at the company. It was a mess. I let the recruiter discuss the position, and she didn’t really give me a chance to talk. What I did manage to get in was to discuss THE 8 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE I have in this realm of project management-type roles from my position at a church. Yes, the caveat is that it’s a church, but I spent eight years in that position. She gave all the indicators that tell me what the decision will be:

“We’re looking for someone with a year minimum experience at the company” (I have 2 months left to reach my full year) – she mentioned this five times.

“We are looking for someone who takes initative and uses the full extent of their hours” yeah? I am seeking a position that offers flexibility.

Anyway, there were some other things mentioned that made me disassociate, as it just told me what the decision was. One such thing was the frequent mention of my name in the recruiting department. I feel like an ostracized fish – “That’s that girl with cancer.”

I’m not phased – I’m just trying to understand why I’m being made to jump through these hoops. This position is a pay cut. Now, if I were to secure the position, I would take it, as it would provide the one thing I need – flexibility, mainly to ensure I can attend my life-saving treatments and doctor’s appointments. I won’t hear back until next week, as I have a busy schedule coming up – but again, I’m not getting my hopes up.

I continue to follow my therapist’s advice to do as much as my body can and be in tune. I am thankful that my team has been very understanding and receptive, and my immediate supervisor is understanding and caring.

After the meeting, I was able to resume my work, but today’s chief complaint has been bone pain. It feels like it’s burning up inside my thighs, inside my lower back, and in my ribcage. It’s unreal how the burning transcends the layers of muscle, and it still is so shocking to me just the fact that I can FEEL the bone pain. Again, I don’t think I am supposed to know this feeling, and I don’t want to become accustomed to feeling the bones. I managed to get through the day and am now just trying to relax, which is hard when the body stiffens up. I’m so happy that tomorrow is Friday, and I’m ready for some reprieve from work.

I haven’t dwelled too much on this, but I know when I talk to my therapist, I need to bring up just these feelings of disgust: I feel so fat, and I feel so unhealthy. Granted, duh, chemotherapy is destroying me, the good and the bad, but I don’t want to feel like this.

Oh, added pain experience – I feel my gums inflamed. Like, I feel them throbbing. Y’all, it’s disgusting.

The body horror is ridiculous, and it’s just adding yet another layer of shit I now have to contend with and resolve. It’s a neverending hamster wheel. I remain thankful, though, for my meditation practice, which has helped me rest when sleep doesn’t have the desired effect and has also helped me mitigate the stress I’ve been experiencing and process it more effectively. I do feel like I’m complaining a lot – I feel like I’m being made to feel this way by everyone just saying I’ve been tolerating everything well.

My family continues to be a source of support, even if this week has been a bit harder. I am finding a much shorter tolerance for their immediate unloading of tasks onto my plate and have asked not to – I am in no state to be the lead on various tasks. Also, it’s worth mentioning that one of them is coming down with a cold, and I’m nervous that I’ll get sick, too – I hope I’m able to push through. Being immunocompromised has added a whole other level of anxiety.

I am so thankful for friends who have made an effort to reach out to me, ask about my day, and plan outings. They have also traveled across the country to see me and expressed genuine concern. My mom and my grandmother have a saying, “You truly know your friends in illness and in death,” and yeah, I guess that has been the case. It’s been tough to see friendships that I thought were SOLID just quickly evaporate and diminish. They have other priorities, but I thought we were solid. It just makes me really thankful for the friends that have pulled through, though. Thank you <3.

Some things that have brought me joy lately:

• I deleted my LinkedIn account, and man, what a joy!!!
• Some coconut macarons my meditation teacher gifted me.
• Seeing dear friends
• I got some really amazing news from a friend
• I got a hot dog at the last soccer game I went to on Friday
• Mangos my mom got from the store

Some things I want:

• Increase hydration
• Another hot dog
• Declutter my closet again
• A massage for my back and neck
• A compression massage tbh

Some things I am looking forward to:

• I am seeing a dear friend tomorrow night after work
• My bestie from Seattle flying in to see me
• Seeing a soccer game tonight on the TV [can you believe I got the MLS season pass on Apple TV? – who even am I?]

This is my update for now.