Sorry for the delay

I keep meaning to write and update, but it gets tiring, and I end up feeling bad that I don’t have anything to share.
This past week was a doozy, as my chemotherapy appointment was rescheduled from Monday to Wednesday due to the holiday. I was excited for the reprieve from work this holiday would bring, but to be honest, it just threw a wrench into everything. My chemotherapy was moved to Wednesday, and this time around, my labs were very low, so the doctor modified the treatment plan to include me getting two shots the two days following the chemo infusion to boost my white blood cell count.
The chemotherapy on Wednesday was a good experience that made it bearable. The nurse assigned to me was lovely, spoke Spanish, and just made everything go fast. She called me her “pollito” and would occasionally call me gorgeous. It was so sweet because, man, do I feel hideous and just not at all presentable, especially on my chemo days when I am alternating between tired, urgently needing to pee, and oscillating between cold and sweating through those hot flashes. She had a similar sense of humor to mine, and it was just fun. I will note during this chemo session; I experienced 1) a brief painful shock when I moved in my chemo port area – the nurse shared this was likely my port hitting a nerve inside the skin (she shared that if this persisted – the surgeon might need to open again and move the port – as of today I am only experiencing mild pain throbbing in the area so I hope this doesn’t mean I need to have it moved). I also experienced 2) when the chemo drug was being administered – a slight burning sensation inside the skin in the port area that lasted about 3 minutes. I am concerned about the burning, but I know I have to alert the nurses immediately as soon as it happens. I took a good hour’s nap and was woken again when the new chemo drug needed to be administered, and I had to verify my name and date of birth.

With those two shots, I needed all the help I could get, so it was welcome news that my body would receive assistance in fighting against the speeding decline. Unfortunately, those two shots have to be delivered 24 hours after chemotherapy is done, which puts those appointments at the 1:30 pm mark. Which is right in the middle of my work day, and the time is about 3 hours away from my desk.
Again, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful – I need this. Work-wise, HR is my biggest concern and has been the source of so much unnecessary stress.
I shared the news with my immediate supervisor and my colleagues, and they were supportive and understanding. I also shared that I am scared that HR will make a case to fire me, and they stated they’d advocate for me. Every piece of advice about HR and employment has said: do not share your ongoing issues with your coworkers. I am going straight against it because I need others to know and, if they so choose, to support me through this time. I do not want others to face the same conundrum and terrible situation. I am dependent on work and the health insurance it provides, and again, let me reiterate – I did not choose to get cancer. Therefore, I am choosing to be vocal about my concerns and this situation.
The shots themselves are annoying as the syringes are kept in a fridge, and the nurse is not able to take it out until I am right there – meaning these shots are cold, and man, they STING. The first nurse was lovely and accommodating, but the second nurse on the second day proceeded to inject the shot without taking any prior precautions. That one was super painful. The side effects of concern are lung problems AND the spleen exploding. I didn’t know spleens could do that. Everything about what the body can do I have learned against my will – this is so wild to me!
Additionally, the other main side effect that I am experiencing is increased bone pain. It radiates, and it is deep, and the medication doesn’t work. I was told Claritin would help, and it doesn’t. This pain has been the most distressing because it’s not life-threatening (as far as I have been told), but it impacts my daily existence. I felt the pain in my thighs and my rib cage. It’s been the thighs and my arms and hands (not great when my job depends on me typing).
Today, during a break, I made the mistake of lingering too long on a TikTok video about the red devil chemo drug, and the subsequent videos scared me. I am now having to decompress and get my mind off the information about the experiences others have gone through, reminding myself that their experiences are not mine, and I cannot ascertain what I will go through until it’s time to go through it. I am not claiming those experiences, and I am just genuinely praying for the best outcome.
The steroids I was given have minimized, and my appetite is down; the pain is a lot, and so is nausea.
Due to the moved chemo last week, this week I do not have chemotherapy, so I have a much-needed reprieve, which I am using to work as much as I can to have enough hours to cover for any issues in the upcoming weeks.

In terms of weird experiences, when I was heading back to my car with my mom after the second shot, I wasn’t looking where I was going in the parking lot and almost got hit by a car (well, there was sufficient space between us BUT I wasn’t looking – which is the main point here) and afterward as I was walking away the woman driving the car put her window down – which concerned me – like was she going to curse at me to look at the road? And she yelled at me, saying, “Keep going! Keep doing your programs! You got this! Fight the battle and win because my father didn’t.” – as she broke down crying at her steering wheel – I just gave her the thumbs up and yelled thank you. It made me cry as she drove off, and I translated the words to my mom. I feel like, while a genuine expression of support and care, I am now experiencing others giving me bits of “expectation” or responsibility. As in, my relative didn’t make it, so now it’s on you to do so. This may not have been the intended message, but it is a dimension of the whole cancer thing I am now seeing.

It’s been a weird time.