“You look good” 

I had my chemotherapy yesterday and noticed a difference. The fatigue came faster and stayed longer. The high blood pressure persists, and so does the high pulse. I also noticed that bruises show up quicker and stay longer. I accidentally scratched myself, and the cut took abnormally long to stop bleeding despite applying pressure. The lab results are at the threshold of what is considered low, not dire, but concerning. I also have noticed my appetite decreasing and more gut issues arising, such as acid reflux and the feeling and need that I have to stay still unless something comes up after eating—thankfully, no severe nausea or vomiting, but I see it on the horizon. I remain thankful for that distance, though. Today, during work, I noticed the mental fog and confusion set in. A conversation repeated, and I asked the same questions about yesterday’s topic. My supervisee was patient with me and reminded me, and I had the realization that this may be the onset of “chemo brain.” My thoughts seem slower, and it’s been harder to find the right words; sometimes, they slur, and sometimes, I don’t make sense, and I’m not going to lie; it has been revelatory right now.
My brain feels calm; it doesn’t seem to be racing at 300mph, and I am experiencing more stillness. Is this side effect helping the thought-ridden brain? I may be down to 150mph. It has helped meditation, oddly enough. I am fighting the urge to joke about my empty head helping me be happy. It seems odd, but I am not too scared about these developments in my brain. It feels like the body and mind are taking a deep breath. I am trying to go with the flow.
Right now, it’s like that experience at the pool when you’re trying to float on your back, and you’re trying to trust your body’s buoyancy to remain floating. You feel the water cover your body and periodically freak you out with the water encircling your face, but you’re trying to trust that you’ll float. This is the closest I can attempt to relay this experience.
The hot flashes persist. I continue to have anxiety about what the rest of the treatment will look like. The body isn’t bouncing back; I am concerned about that aspect.
Today, I had a check-in with the program supervisor. She started off the call by saying, “You look good.” It felt weird, considering I feel like utter shit. I played along and didn’t know whether she was genuine. Since the meeting with HR, I no longer trust anyone there, and all these interactions seem vacuous. I am expected to travel for work at the end of June. I am concerned because I am not ready. I still have movement restrictions and am now looking to have a family member travel with me to help me. I am not independent and am going into the negative with purchasing their ticket and accommodations. I need their help, and for as much, the supervisor gives me praise that I am a valuable employee and they have no qualms with my performance – I feel like it’s meaningless when I am being denied reasonable accommodations.
Being told I look good is also really jarring. What does that mean? Am I hiding this well? I’m not trying to hide anything. Is my body not showing the signs? I feel like a naked mole rat. I still feel like Frankenstein’s monster. I am thankful for my body and its resilience, and yet, at the same time, I feel so ugly, gross, and molting, like a creature waiting to be let free from its oozing and deteriorating body. Chemotherapy is creating havoc as it’s trying to give me a fighting chance to live a long and healthy life. I found a picture of myself from early 2023, and I looked so pretty in it. It filled me with grief because I remember how I felt when I took those pictures – I hated how I looked. It’s such a complicated relationship with my body. The constant self-punishment of starving myself and trying crash diets and the resulting yo-yo-ing in my weight and just negative self-talk just further drives home the point that I have struggled with being kind to myself. Worse so, I did not even have any particular end goal other than some idealized body type I wanted to embody. I guess I am somewhat grateful it was never for the end goal of appeasing anybody.
These past couple of days have sucked. I can’t get over how exhausting this process has been and how I am having to go through this whole shit. I keep wondering why, and not to mention, I am even trying to figure out my birth chart by reading some astrology resources. I feel that everything has been unrelenting, and I haven’t caught a break in years. When I think the worst is over, life throws something new, and I am just tired of surrendering; I have no choice but to accept and go with the flow. What is all of this for? I don’t believe I was ever ungrateful for my life, and yes, while I’ve dealt with deep depression about the state of my life, I am proud to have lived the years as authentic as possible and as well as I could have given the circumstances. What am I meant to learn from this? Why is this happening?
I’ll end this entry now. Thank you for reading this much – I hope you have a great night!