This is the title because I couldn’t come up with one

It’s been a week! I am thankful yesterday’s chemo session went well. I am just really at a point where I am frustrated with the process because of the time it takes. Arriving, signing in, waiting, getting blood drawn, waiting for the blood test to come back and waiting on the green light to receive chemo, waiting for the dispense of pre-meds to ensure I have my anti-nausea, steroids, and allergic meds, the delivery of the meds, the observation period, then the actual administration of the chemo. It’s just a lot of waiting. I know I’ve talked a lot about it, but I’m just in the annoyed phase. I’ll improve over time, but that’s where I was yesterday. The appointment was exacerbated by the stress I am experiencing in my family relations, which is adding unneeded stress to an already stressful time. I can see it with my blood pressure. Yesterday, it was higher than typical. The heart rate is also higher, but I was told that chemotherapy does that to the body.
There are just so many things that chemo does, and I am still counting myself incredibly lucky. I am so grateful that the symptoms I have experienced are so “mild” compared to what others have experienced. I never want to take that for granted. Much of it is because I am 31, and my body is more resilient. Yet, as I look at my health labs, I see the decreasing trend and bracing myself for what a dip below the normal range will look like. I am clinging to the doctor’s words that the first three sessions indicate the rest of the treatment, so I hope and wish this is indeed the case. Last night, as I got ready, I did my nightly flossing routine; believe it or not, I was told to stop flossing since they wanted me to minimize any chance of bleeding as gums become more sensitive, but I am mindful of the pressure I implement – I also couldn’t fathom stopping my oral hygiene routine. I worked too hard to get my teeth healthy and love my dentist. The “high” I get from getting those “your teeth look great, keep up the great work” is something I look forward to each visit. It’s the little things, you know? So yeah, last night was the first time I bled, but it was minimal. And then, I went to blow my nose, and it started a nosebleed. It caught me by surprise, and I immediately researched what this was, and lo and behold, it is a lesser-discussed side effect of chemotherapy. I followed the management guidance, but again, this is another instance of taking it for granted. Your nose hairs are essential, and I took them for granted.
What a lesson this has been.
Yesterday, I did get seen by the doctor, and I had my list of questions. He was patient, and he was knowledgeable and reassuring. I appreciated it because his answers were yet another reassurance of how “mild” this experience has been and that everything looks okay on his end. For clarification, mild doesn’t mean mild like a mild cold – I mean mild within the range of chemo side effects. This is still hard, and this is still really unsettling and honestly traumatic on the body. My body is being broken down, and the mental anguish is not something I wish on anyone. The surgery in February was a cakewalk compared to whatever this has been. And yet, this is still relatively good compared to what it could be.
Additionally, I told them about the surprise and intensity of the hot flashes. I understand I am not able to get anything to address them, but it was reassuring to hear the doctor reflect and state that he can improve on his delivery of “heads up” regarding hot flashes, specifically for women. I appreciate that, and I genuinely hope he implements this change so other women are not caught off guard because these hot flashes are truly disruptive. I am proud of myself, too, because I brought up the CT scans and advocated for myself. I am set to get another mammogram within the next month to check on that mass on the left breast. I am also working up to “owning” that I saved myself. I found the lump; I advocated to have it looked at despite the ob-gyn and surgeon stating that, based on age and location, “it was likely nothing.” I often think of what if the severe medical anxiety I experienced starting in the summer of 2023 was my body starting to sound the alarms. I am happy I got the mammogram in the works, but now also the anxiety is setting in …. what if it is something? If it is, then I would hope that the mass is smaller now than what was reported in the CT scan (since the idea is that chemotherapy would have interrupted the growth of the tumor). Continuing with chemotherapy will be the course of action. I have about two more months of chemotherapy (C/T combo) and then one month of the “red devil” chemo. As I was told, this is the strongest chemo med with the most side effects, and its name is due to its bright red color. Afterward, I get one month of rest, and then I start radiation and then an onslaught of more testing to assess the state of my body. I was happy to have this checkpoint with the doctor and felt confident about the ongoing treatment. It was also reassuring since he is a gentle man with a bright demeanor, and I know his presence brings a calming sense of authority over the situation to my family. They need that reassurance right now, maybe even more than I do.
I feel relief, I’m in the process right now, but in this time of waiting for chemo to do its job, I think I’ve got a good process of “realignment” in the sense that I am addressing all the areas I’ve neglected myself. It’s also been an affirmation that I’ve led a good life given the circumstances, and yet I am still dealing with the grief about how unfair this whole thing is and how it’s not just ME going through this, but everyone around me.
I have a therapy session on Wednesday to bring up the family situation, as I know this is a lifelong thing, but it’s frustrating to find myself in it during a time when I need comfort and as much peace as possible.
I am looking forward to a productive day. I am running on 4 hours of sleep, but I am confident I will get some excellent rest tonight. Additionally, I’ve been craving coffee and pastries from Lineage and those bunch-a-crunch chocolates. It’s been tormenting me, but it’s tricky because my family isn’t too fond of pastries/sweets right now.
I hope you have a wonderful day and that you get to spend some time outside and hear the birds sing.