Hair no more

Today, I was very frustrated by my hair. I had been confident I could get a shorter bob cut to hide the shedding, which was scheduled for next Friday. Lo and behold, today, I took a shower, and the hair falling off became tangled and matted. I was frustrated as I couldn’t get it to look normal. So, getting out of the shower was an annoying pain to get through the process of brushing. It felt futile. I looked at myself after the shower and cried. I looked so bad. I kept it moving and asked my brother to shave my head and my mom to bear witness. It was such a stark experience. I hated the buzzing sound, but the breeze through my head felt great. I hate the short, buzzed feeling, not to mention that no one told me this process would be painful. My scalp feels raw and sore from the hair falling and the pulling from my urge to remove as much as possible. It was irritating, and I just wanted a break. I just want a break right now. I’m so happy the weight is off, and it still looks terrible. It looks so patchy and uneven. I want a massage as the ligaments connected to the temple and the jaw are super sore right now, too. I heard my brother choke up as he was shaving my head.
This family of mine is so peculiar. They never want to show emotions, and I am left in limbo about how to handle their emotions. I want to be there for them, and they’re being there for me right now. We’re clashing. Just be real with me. He ultimately stifled it and returned to normal.
The hair will grow back. It’s going to be okay. Right?
It will or it won’t. I will be okay somehow.
This week is coming to an end, and I am just so thankful tomorrow will be Friday. not only because it’s my sweet reprieve from work but also because I know my body will be somewhat back to normal. I have a sense of normalcy back, and I am so thankful for this. This week, my friends, as busy as they are, reached out—at least most of my friends. This has been a tricky situation to navigate.
This is the most loved I have felt; the love has always been present. And yet, this is the most isolated I have ever felt. I understand people are busy; I get it. But this is also cancer. It really puts into perspective how I want to live with intention. Feelings of sadness come and go. Could I have been a better friend? Are they even my friends now? Is their silence indicative of something more?
Anyway, I am tired and emotionally spent. I hope I get some good sleep tonight.