There is hair everywhere 

In the ongoing process of chemotherapy, I am slowly gaining a rhythm on what to expect with how my body responds and what steps I need to take to mitigate those symptoms and increase my comfort. Today, I got a different nurse and wasn’t thrilled, especially after reading the treatment note. I had raised concerns about the ongoing constipation, hot flashes, and increased hunger, but the notes all read that I didn’t report symptoms. I need to find a way to address that next time. Anyway, I did find out new information regarding how the medications impact me:

• The steroids not only increase hunger but also cause that “restless leg” experience I wrongly attributed to stress and anxiety.
• Experiencing hot flashes and night sweats is not uncommon – great, I hate it!
• I should expect these symptoms not just to be weekly but maybe cumulative as my body continues to deteriorate and rebuild
• The constipation is not an issue for them until it’s been 3 days and then they have to intervene. I’ve been constipated but have managed at least one movement a day, and that pain and discomfort will likely continue. I will continue doing my belly massages to help with this symptom.
• Added to the constipation, I am also experiencing chemo belly more often, and it is so uncomfortable.

The body horror continues. The stress continues. The unsettling anticipation continues. I continue to wrestle with how to manage. My meditation and journaling have helped tremendously. Yet, I still am struggling. I could be worse – but damn, am I struggling. I am proud of myself for how “together” I have been lately. That’s got to count for something. Reflecting on it – I am handling this much better than I dealt with grad school. I am also nervous about admitting this, but I bought a subscription to a hypnosis app and listened nightly to the sessions on how “everything works out for me” and how I am “manifesting my best self.” I am not current on the research, but it’s a 50/50 thing, right? For some people, it works, and regardless of whether it’s a placebo effect or not – I decided to give it a shot. What do I have to lose? It seems harmless. Am I noticing a difference? It may be too soon to tell, but at least it’s comforting. That and videos of the sound of the beach have been bringing comfort to me. I hope to be back to the beach soon, I can visit I just am not feeling a trip like that right now.

This past week was rough on the job end, but I am thankful for my direct supervisor, to whom I cried and shared my stress. She was sweet and sent me some pastries in the two hours following that interaction. That woman epitomizes understanding the balance between HR and being human. She knows how to word her sentences in a way that protects her yet really shares her commitment in a subversive manner – I’m not sure if I explained that correctly. She is the only ally I have. She was super helpful in establishing our plan of action with the emphasis that she wants me to do as much as my body allows me to, and if the bare minimum is all I can manage, she is okay with that. She stated she wanted to ensure I could keep my current position and not have to transfer departments to receive a lower wage.

Additionally, I have been pretty good about communication about what I’m able to do or if I’m battling a nausea bout – and she stated she is not a micromanager; like obviously, tell her since she wants to know that I’m okay, but to know that in every sense of the word – she is not there to tattle tale on me or to use this information against me. I appreciate her working with me. Today, after chemo, I managed to do only 1 hour of work, and for that, I’m thankful. I was set on 2 hours, but through variables outside of my control, it got cut to 1 hour. Look at the universe’s work.

This weekend, I also started to experience some massive hair fallouts. Maybe not massive in that they’re big clumps, but a slight run of my fingers through the hair, and significant amounts quickly come off. I reached out to a hairstylist to see if she works with chemo patients since I want to go back to a short bob cut to make the fallout more manageable before I shave it off. I am waiting to hear back from her. Just now, as I was settling into my bed, I moved my blanket, and there was hair everywhere. How did I miss it this morning? I anticipate I may have a couple of weeks before I look like Angelica’s doll from the Rugrats. I didn’t think this would happen so fast. When I researched, it said that at the end of 2 weeks, most people see the hair starting to fall. I am thankful I am not tied emotionally to my hair right now, but part of me is a bit resentful because I was compared to my aunt, who didn’t lose hair. Again, there are so many variables; I don’t even know what chemo drugs she got in her treatment. Is it a reflection of how weak I am? It isn’t, logically. I hate that knee-jerk reaction to blame or attribute weakness to myself immediately.

Everything is happening fast, and I am gaining a good rhythm. I am afraid this will all get swept up from under me again. Time is slower – it’s nice since I get to just be – but it does add to the quality of existential dread. On the bright side, I finally found a provider to help me write my will for free. That will be my goal for the week. Finish that. Next week, I will compile a binder full of my documents, info on bank accounts, info on subscriptions, etc. I’m just centralizing everything on paper to make it easy to find things. It makes me realize how overcomplicated our lives are. Let me reframe it. It’s not how complicated WE make it but how society has set this whole thing up. Dying is complicated. Can you believe that if someone dies in 2025 . . . someone still has to file the deceased taxes? I’m not planning to die anytime soon, so I just used 2025 as an example.

Late last week, I had a great session with my therapist, and we talked about the process of sitting in our feelings. It’s hard. And yet another added component not written about in the chemo pamphlets = chemo will affect my mood and my emotions. So now, I am proactively working on strategies to address this component. My therapist was very helpful, but I dreaded that experience. I don’t want to be agitated; I don’t want to be mad or sad. Yes, it’s warranted, but I don’t like it. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Okay, this is for tonight. I expect to wake up to some hot flashes early tomorrow. I hope to be proved wrong but not likely as right now I am writing through a hot flash. These are so uncomfortable.

These entries feel like a pinball, going around all over and trying to fit as much information as possible; thank you for reading and tolerating the writing.