Disappointed but not surprised 

I went to chemo, and I ate beforehand, which helped me achieve better outcomes, and I didn’t feel woozy or face nausea. I also found out the nurse who was there last time would be the one on my journey. I appreciate the consistency. I shared the symptoms for the week, and the nurse made some modifications for me to have a different anti-nausea medication, and that helped tremendously. At this appointment, an older woman reminded me of my aunt, down to the age and arched eyebrows. It was her first session, and during the monitoring phase – before the introduction of chemo – she had an allergic reaction. Immediately, seven nurses descended on her, and it was just terrifying. They were able to get her back to stability, but it wasn’t until I was sharing this experience with my friend that I entirely broke down crying. I’m so thankful she is okay, and part of me hopes I get to see her at the next session. What a reminder of mortality if not sitting in a room full of individuals receiving chemotherapy.
The work situation isn’t great; the accommodation the oncologist submitted was rejected, so I must find a way to get the job done. I have to keep this job for the insurance. I hope whoever made the decision will never face this situation. I didn’t choose to get cancer. I am disappointed but not surprised, given our current landscape. I hate it. I have to use my PTO for the time I have committed to get chemotherapy, and when PTO runs out, I have to use unpaid time off. I also am still required to travel to be in person. It’s so absurd that they delivered the news in such a stoic manner. I cried during the meeting and felt so drained afterward. I’m feeling the after-effects now, too. I did a preliminary search, and it seems like this happens often for people with cancer, and it looks like even pursuing some legal action is met with retaliation. Is it even worth pursuing? The absurdity of it all. And then for them to say, “We know this may mean you leave us.” What? I need the insurance. I am backed into a corner here. I have to stay here. But the trust is broken.
I would like to buy a lottery ticket. It’s a stupid gesture, but I need some hope right now.
I am thankful I had my therapy session today, and we debriefed about the situation. I felt good about that session and am waiting again to see what this all means for me. I am engaging in the right coping strategies, and I am just so thankful for the people who have continued to check in on me. I noticed individuals not reaching out, and as my therapist said, they have told me where I stand in their lives through their actions.
So it is.
I am disappointed but not surprised by all of this. I am feeling sad today, and I have no motivation to walk. I will honor that and allow myself to watch something on TV and call it a day. Tomorrow, I have to get an echocardiogram. We’ll see how it goes.