Happy New Year 

Today is the astrological new year, so congrats and many blessings to all of you who celebrate!
Is this a post about astrology? No, it isn’t – so feel free to move on if that’s why you were intrigued. This post is just another update, but I chose this as the title since it was the first time I saw it on social media this morning. It’s somewhat relevant with everything going on, but also not really. I feel the same way I felt on January 1st earlier this year and in previous years. It’s a problem I’ve had that I keep trying to address with my therapist: I don’t know how to make long-term goals or what to even work for at this point. What goals should I have? We had discussed that I don’t feel worthy of having goals, and yet, my whole life has been chasing goals that have been superimposed on me.
I am stumped. I was stumped then, and even moreso now. Especially on a day and period where I’m no longer functioning on a month-by-month basis – I am literally navigating life hour by hour. It is probably the wrong question to even pose today, given everything.
Remember how I had thrown my hat into the ring for the position? I got the rejection email. I reached out to see what other jobs I could apply to and was told, with condescension, to check the careers page and remember to read the job description.
As if that had not been done before? I don’t understand why I am being met with this attitude and condescension. I did not choose to get cancer. I did not choose to have to have special considerations. Not to mention, in every interaction with them, I have to remind them I am the case with cancer because they can never recall why I am reaching out to them.
I am incredibly disappointed in the response and want to remain in my current role. I don’t know why I am being asked to move departments or roles. What if I am not accepted to the alternative roles? What then? Will I be phased out of the company? The cards are pointing this way. It seems I am being pushed to the recruiting role, which will be a severe pay cut, and not to mention I am even more unqualified for that role than the one I was just rejected from. I never wanted to be in this industry, and despite being in a company that has been very kind to me and HAS the insurance I need to pay for my treatment – I am just once again reminded that this field isn’t for me. Every chance it gets, it tells me I don’t belong. Fine, I don’t, and I never wanted its acceptance, but I need this job right now. I am disoriented and upset, but at least the weather is nice. I’ll go and sit out there for a bit but damn, what a mess.
I got a confirmation text that Monday is supposed to be my first chemo treatment, but when I call to confirm the issues with insurance have been resolved, I get the same – “we’ll have someone reach out to you.” – so …. no – it likely hasn’t been resolved. I am just frustrated today, and when I reach rock bottom in this job/industry stuff – the floor opens up like a sinkhole, and I find myself deeper. This all feels like a sick joke. I am trying not to catastrophize, but it’s hard not to do so right now. I’ll peruse linked in and see what options are available. I have a slew of texts right now that I have no energy to open right now. I feel bad, but I will address them later.