Not a title but I guess another update? 

It’s Monday, and the exhaustion from yesterday has seeped over. I have no interest or motivation to work today, but I am on my A-game, or whatever the phrase entails. This morning started okay, but with a tension headache that I couldn’t shake. I had a light breakfast and began to work. I greeted my family, and lo and behold, they were upset about the previous day. I redirected myself to continue with my routine, knowing that if I chose to engage, it would be another argument. This did not help my headache, and I do not want to talk to people today – a terrible event considering my job is supervising, which entails interacting with others.
Tomorrow is my second surgery. It’ll be a far “less intense” surgery, but it will be surgery nonetheless. I’ll be put under anesthesia, and this surgery will “reset” my arm movements, my mobility, and how much I can carry. I am frustrated that this surgery means I go back to my limited range and be locked to just this area of existence for a couple more weeks. I haven’t been able to stretch my arms, and wow, does the body crave that kind of movement! I am thrilled that I don’t have to work tomorrow, but I dread my return on Wednesday.
Today, I am just sticking to my bubble. Everything feels radioactive, like if I say something it’ll be thrown back at me. I don’t need this right before surgery. I hate that this is the environment, and this is what I have to face while trying to focus on this cancer thing.
Talking to HR about the cancer thing has also become a rote conversation,
How are you
I’m good
So, about your situation
Yes, the cancer
Yes, I am so sorry about that
Yeah …. [ I genuinely do not know how to respond to the apologies about cancer … are they asking to be absolved?]
Anyway, that conversation was today, and I threw my ring in the hat for a position I would really enjoy and grow in—not to mention that my supervisor mentioned she’d give me a recommendation. I found out that it was a permanent request—as in, I would not be able to return to the position I hold now once I finish chemo. I threw my ring in any way.
I don’t know if I’ll be a contender for the position based on the responses to my answers. I had good answers, and my unconventional background is a plus, but the way she was responding—especially given the cancer thing—is making me discouraged about the situation. I may be placed and stuck in a recruiting role, which I strongly dislike and dread. HR people have a certain cadence that tells me they’ll answer in a particular way.
I got a call from the oncologist. I didn’t show up to my appointment. On Friday, I called them to sort out the insurance situation, and I thought I canceled today since they told me the procedure wasn’t approved yet. The nurse was nice, but she couldn’t answer my question about whether the insurance had approved the procedure and if that was why I was called to come in for chemotherapy. She said the finance team would call me back, but considering they close at 5, it’s safe to say I won’t get an answer. So anyway, I am scheduled to go in the following Monday. I’ll go in, and at least I’ll have the chemo port ready to go.
My day turned out a bit better—I hit my goals and finished up my day so I could run errands and end the night well. However, I am still experiencing tears for no apparent reason, and in reflecting on how I have navigated life since December, since the diagnosis, I feel like I am cracking under the pressure of the situation. I don’t want to feel this way.