Ongoing updates for this week 

Today is Sunday, and man, I am exhausted.

So far, since this whole cancer ordeal started, my family has been on really good behavior. Now, there are bits of exchange that have surfaced. Last night, a simple exchange, typical of our banter, was suddenly taken aggressively, and I was told I was being too rude and angry lately, with the assumption that I should rectify this. The cherry on the top was being compared to someone I do not want to be compared to and I thought it was really uncalled for and childish. Angry in what way? Rude in what way? The expectation has always been to drop what I am doing and assist them with their issues or questions. Was I not too available enough to complete the task?

I’m not too sure, and this frustrates me. What I thought was building new boundaries in a mindful manner since the start of this ordeal has been perceived negatively now. I got upset but redirected myself immediately, thinking of what my therapist had mentioned.

“You’re the one going through cancer, but be mindful that everyone around you is dealing with this, too.”

She said it related to an incident I relayed to her, in which someone acted out in an incredibly heated and concerning way, not towards me but towards another individual. Regardless, we are exploring this topic, and I am not too keen on it, at least not right now.

It’s been a phrase I continue to wrestle with because, yes, my perspective is skewed. I am going through this, and my life is indeed on the line here. Why has the expectation been placed on me to moderate how everyone feels about me and my state?

I wanted to end this entry here, but I spoke to my therapist. The above frustrated me, and I still feel that frustration in waves. Following the conversation with my therapist, I’ll jot down a few bits I jotted down. Overall, the session was great, and I felt validated.

• When viewing images of myself – if I become sad about what my body looked like and grieve the loss of existing within that body – she asked me to look at the image and not focus on how I look, yes, cherish the aesthetics, but to deconstruct what the noise around me consisted of and how that noise impacted how I felt about my body. This refers to the dynamics within my family and the critiques that filled my brain about my body. I recognize the duality and then return to how I feel about myself in a positive light. This bit was really helpful.
• When I look at my pictures of my pre-surgery body – to allow that grieving but not stay with the pain.
• I want to let my loved ones know how emotional I am and how much everything means to me.
• I have to be selfish with my time.
• Be kind to myself RIGHT NOW

These are incredibly good pieces of advice that I will try to implement on a daily basis.

Today feels like a wash. I was supposed to come home, run errands, and work on my resume, but I don’t have any energy right now. I feel drained, sleepy, and emotional following a lot of movement and exertion. I’m watching some videos on YouTube and doing some word searches.

This upcoming week will be busy, and I am dreading it. I work all day tomorrow, and I need that resume done before 10 am. I will meet with HR and review potential new roles to transfer to internally for the duration of the chemo treatment. I hope to land the one job that piques my interest; otherwise, it will be a pay cut. The benefit is that I will be more flexible and retain the health insurance benefits. Then, on Tuesday morning, I have to report to the hospital at 6 am to be prepped and ready for surgery at 8 am. The idea for this surgery is that it will be less than 1 hour under anesthesia and then be home before noon. This surgery is to place my chemo port in my upper left chest area to make the chemo treatments as easy as possible. I was given a limitation of lifting my arms, carrying items under 5 pounds as my max, limitations on any significant movements, and instructions to continue to sleep upright for another 3-4 weeks—shoutout for science, but also – what a reset. I wasn’t given a refill of my pain medications for tomorrow, so I am not sure what their expectation on pain management will be – maybe just Advil? Then, return to work on Wednesday. I hope I get some movement in figuring out the issue with the insurance approval. When I called this past week, I was told the providers had not submitted the request via the system the insurance needed – and the providers said that on their end, the approval was pending. Then, on Thursday, I have my post-op appointment, and I am hoping I can get the green light to start using the scar tape. I think that will help me mentally by beginning to heal the scars. So, who was telling the truth? Who knows? All I know is that I am just exhausted.