It’s the start of a new week! 

This past week has been a doozy. I returned to work on Tuesday of last week, and it’s been really lovely seeing my team. I am lucky to have been placed back at my previous post and only providing supplemental support. I need to meet with a recruiter from the company soon since I was told in an HR meeting that due to my limitations, once chemo starts, I won’t be able to perform my duties. I am likely looking at a pay cut, but I am hoping I am eligible for one position that would be a pay bump. It’s 85% remote and 15% travel, so I hope I am eligible. I also saw my bestie from Washington and went wig shopping on Monday. It was a great experience, and I went with a fabulous short hair wig with four tones. The shopowner called it the Channel News 13 Anchor Lewk. He was so sincere and kind, and it turns out he’s been in the wig business for 38 years and is a drag queen. He was understanding and incredibly insightful in navigating the ins and outs of owning a wig, especially for chemo. He said I would know once it was time to shave the hair off and to remember that it would grow back eventually. He made me feel seen. I got a great deal on the purchase – 1 regular wig, one baseball cap wig, two turbans, AND the maintenance soaps to clean the wigs. I was incredibly thankful for his thoughtful attention and care during that hour. I was so happy! After that session, my bestie and I went to Lazy Moon Pizza and Lineage. Places I haven’t been to in a hot minute. It was such a joyful day!
This week, I have noticed how much my schedule limits the “ideal” routine I want to have. Not to mention, the medication I am taking has made me very groggy in the morning. I am just thankful it’s not the same “groggy” feeling I feel with melatonin. Ideally, I’d want some lovely time to read and enjoy a nice cup of coffee and a good book.
I am back to work, sleeping, eating, and repeating my routine, and I’m unsure how to feel about it. I am thankful to have employment and health insurance, but I also question why I am doing it.
Practicality aside (the money and the health insurance), I wish I had creative freedom and time to explore. I shouldn’t have to balance and compromise with a full-time job. It comes down to our system. I have a clear and present danger – cancer and not even with that can I fully embrace what I want to do. It doesn’t feel very interesting. It feels exasperating. I truly am thankful for having this job and health insurance, but I hate that we cannot just be in this system.
Another update from last week is that my debit card had to be closed, and a new one will be mailed to me. I found some sketchy charges and had about 600 bucks taken out due to these fraudulent charges. That still isn’t resolved, but that sucked. One of the trivia items I am not sure are accurate anymore is that your card information is the most compromised in the medical offices. And where have I been in and out the most these past 3 months? Who knows. I have no way of knowing, but that trivia stuck in my mind.
Anyway, this week, I am looking at five work-filled days and one PCP appointment on Thursday. The insurance still hasn’t approved the chemo, and that’s been disheartening.
Last week, I had my consultation to discuss getting the port surgery, and it went okay – this will be another surgery and a reset of my current limitations. I had progressed slowly, using my arms more and raising them, but now I have to start at 0. Aside from that, I love the surgeon because her reactions are my favorite – she looked at her work and how it was healing and gobsmacked, looked at me, and said it was “absolutely exquisitely beautiful” – gosh! She then proceeded to nerd out about why she enjoys that surgery and how good the results are in the long term. I do appreciate this since it provides a counterargument to my mental loop of hating that I look like Frankenstein’s monster. Once I am cleared to put on the scar tape and heal properly, I can feel better about my appearance. At least, I think I will be feeling better about it. I want to write her a thank you card after this is over. She’s been a grounding force even if she doesn’t know it, and she’s been so sincere and direct with me. I appreciate that despite her quirky “so you’ve got a booboo in your boobie” introduction.
Ok, I’m off to work now.