Monday Thoughts 

I can’t believe tomorrow will be two weeks since the surgery. I am happy with the progress and thankful that I am healthy and no sepsis/infection has presented itself. Decreasing the use of narcotics to treat the pain has not been ideal, and I wish I had been given a bit more guidance on how to manage it as it feels like a muscle has been pulled, sharp pains internally, and a rampant feeling of razor burn throughout the skin. I understand it’s expected to feel this, but how do I manage it, given that my prescriptions won’t be refilled? It’s also not like I can even do gentle movements without feeling like the flesh is being ripped. It’s also not ideal since I started my menstruation cycle as well, and everything is so crampy and irritating. I would have hoped that my body would have taken a break or something, but here we are – cramping and honestly REALLY wishing I had a backscratcher. I’ve taken moves from those nature documentaries on how bears manage to scratch their backs – shoutout to bears!
Regardless of this hiccup, I am starting to exert myself more with movements and carrying things throughout the house. However, I have not dared to drive or do more complex movements, and I am taking it day by day. The following Monday will be the appointment where I get guidance on how to proceed.
I found a cute rocking chair set with a mini side table that I will set up in the backyard. I am excited about it because we’ve been blessed with some really nice weather right now. Additionally, I have increased my tea consumption and am excited to explore that and have more moments in my backyard. I really should start to cultivate that space a bit more, too.
Today, in particular, I am nervous. In a couple of hours, I have my appointment with the oncologist, where we will determine the next steps for radiation and chemotherapy. I hope that everything goes okay and we get good news. I am roughly expecting radiation to start in at least a couple more weeks, which will allow for proper healing of the wounds and will let me go back to work for a couple more weeks or entirely, just with the caveat that I am unable to travel for work. From my understanding, recovery is a bit more variable than what I am experiencing now with major surgery. With surgery, it’s a set expectation on how long the wounds will take to heal, and it’s relatively linear. With radiation and chemo, I will have to be vigilant about my symptoms and take time as I need it, so it could be that I have a solid couple of days where I can function and then a couple where I need to rest. I hope the exhaustion isn’t too long-lasting, but even if it is, I hope I can at least continue with remote work.
I think I’ve been managing exceptionally well so far. A lot of it I have to credit my friends who have kept me company and a job that has allowed me to not stress out as much on finances (the surgery was 88K, but with health insurance, I will pay 9k -10k for it—now the major question will be how much chemo and radiation will be—but REGARDLESS—it’s been a blessing). I’ve been doing well with the experience of living in the liminal.