It’s Thursday! 

I’m so happy it’s Thursday. No idea why, really, but it just feels nice to know it’s Thursday. I took a bird bath and feel so much better – I changed into a bigger medical bra, and wow, it’s made all the difference in comfort. I am eating breakfast while restarting the X-Files yet again. This show is so comforting – and it’s a lovely day too. Quiet and relaxing. I got the call that my oncologist appointment was moved up to this Monday at 2 pm. I am so thankful for the individuals it took to make this happen. The provider had given me the instructions to call and move it, but then I got a follow-up call from the office the next day. She had taken care of it but said we were waiting for the time slot. I am thankful for the doctor and the assistant who called their connection in the oncologist organization, who then communicated with the representative from the actual clinic (I guess they are all compartmentalized based on location) and then to the scheduler. What a chain of action here. I am in awe of the giant behemoth that is healthcare to move at such a pace and lightning speed. I am nervous about the appointment but sighing in relief that it’s at least on the books.
I understand triple negative cancer will require a different approach as it doesn’t respond to the interventions that would be used for estrogen/progesterone/HER2 positive breast cancers. Still, I am just anxious to confirm that I have a fighting chance. I pray this was caught in time and that the stats/numbers – depict positive outcomes. It’s unfathomable. Am I in the bargaining stage? Who knows. I know ever since that meeting on Monday, I have been in a state I can only describe as emotionally constipated. I don’t know how to move past this, but if it’s like constipation – I should treat it as such.
Find the corresponding item/activity likened to fiber and stool softeners. Graphic yet again. However, I did have a breakthrough last night. For the life of me, none of my medications gave me the same consistent effect of making me sleepy or drowsy, so I remained awake into the early hours of the morning. Tired and grumpy, sleeping upright can only work for so long, I fought my thoughts and tried to adjust myself as much as I physically could. I finally managed to cry some. It came effortlessly, and it was such a release. I thought about everything, and the tears came. Mostly, the thoughts revolved around the absurd reality that I face and the ongoing barriers associated with living in a country that does not have universal healthcare.
Yesterday, my meditation teacher stopped by, and I was so happy to see her. It continues to astound me how prevalent cancer is – as I found out another person in my life was diagnosed with it. This time, it was stage 4 in the early 2010s. Beating the odds. Hope or the exception? The thoughts leave me sad but hopeful. And they were optimistic for me. I’m trying to kick the doubt away and not even let it have a chance to take root. It’s so hard to do.
In order to continue with my day and what I did yesterday, I will continue taking my continuing education unit lectures. I completed five continuing education lectures yesterday and obtained and uploaded my certification PDFs. I have 15 more to complete. I hope to finish most of it today, though I am tempted to wait until next weekend when there’s a remote conference with interesting lectures. It’s so odd to be working on this task when I am actively not working with my kids and team of technicians, but it’s provided some pleasant distractions. I have often struggled with my place in this job and still want to leave, but now I am backed into a corner to stay. At least this company has been extremely kind to me – just in the health insurance alone.
I’m tempted to cut my bangs again. I will continue this fight as well.