Wednesday Morning Thoughts

During Monday’s second follow-up appointment, I received the guidance to call my oncologist to move up my appointment. I was set to see the oncologist in mid-March, but this is not fast enough, according to their office. I’m sure the timing is a delicate thing to consider when addressing cancer, but I was not made privy to it- I accepted the date given to me. Who am I to push for an earlier date when we are experiencing SO many people getting cancer treatment? Why should I push my way to the front of the line? I guess this is where self-advocacy comes in. I’m still wrestling with this notion – since I don’t want to cause a scene or be that person. Anyway, this appointment left me emotionally drained, feeling raw, and trying to manage the feelings of my family who came with me.
The hour-long meeting was just a 30-minute meeting, as the other 30 minutes were spent reading all my records and catching up. The delivery of news by doctors is quite an experience – I often wonder if they are just overwhelmed and tired that they cannot read the room or be cognizant of how the presentation of the news will be handled, especially given something like cancer or whether they don’t care and I am just giving them the benefit of the doubt. They stated that the cancer I was diagnosed with, triple negative, is particularly aggressive and noted that upon the review of the information (that cancer cells were indeed found in the lymph nodes analyzed), it was certainly already metastatic. This gave way to her asking me to call the oncologist’s office to move up my schedule and call her today if I had any issues. I was also told to eat more vegetables and whole foods. Oddly, when I wasn’t even asked what diet I was on, I already ate lots of vegetables and whole foods. I guess I’ll continue that then, but with prior experiences, the focus is on a healthy lifestyle – GREAT. I think because my body doesn’t present that way, it’s assumed I lead an unhealthy lifestyle? Since 2023, I’ve tried to lose weight – my entire life, I’ve been told I’m heavy and should lose weight. My peers have now OBSERVED my family make these comments to me – but I’m giving myself grace this year. I am the weight I am, and it’s not an accurate reflection. Look at all the women that came before me – we all have the same body type.
I guess the emphasis on the aggressivity of the cancer just really got me down. I was feeling SO positive that the surgery went well, and I was elated the drain was removed, but that got swiped from the table with their emphasis on the aggressivity of the cancer. It’s not like I DON’T KNOW cancer isn’t aggressive. I know, I am AWARE. I AM LIVING IT. I am the one contending with the ramifications, I know. I wanted to cry, and I just tried to focus on other things, like making small talk about the traffic on the way home. I am so proud of myself for limiting my research and intake of cancer information. I don’t want to interpret details for something I have no basis to understand. But wow – this got me down.
I asked friends to come over after my boyfriend left for work, and I was thrilled to have company to help me forget about that appointment.
We talked about college, food, and life and got started on a puzzle. I felt light. I am truly so thankful that incredible individuals surround me. I love them so much!
I’ve always tried to show love and care, and it’s been wonderful to FEEL that love for me, especially during this time.
It’s so cheesy and simple, but love is such a blessing. I love love and adore all the ways it has made itself known to me—not just now but throughout my life.
It’s presented itself practically—like yesterday morning when I paid some medical bills. I am so thankful for my community’s support; it has helped so much in minimizing the financial stress of treatment and allows me to focus on healing and resting.
I appreciate the physical presence of my friends texting me or being right by my side and the love and care in the items people have sent my way to help.
I am so thankful. Yesterday, I finally got my hair washed, and it was such a lovely task of love from my mom. Just the presence of being next to each other is a blessing of love.

This morning, I am still feeling a bit down about the uncertainty of the future and am just nervous to see if that appointment gets moved forward. If I really sit with it, it’s just sadness that I won’t get to live a full life. Ultimately, that shouldn’t really matter, though, right? None of us know when our time will end.

In a couple of hours, my meditation teacher will be here for a check-in to ensure my technique is still as taught. I am excited to see her. She has been mediating and teaching for over 30 years. I so wish that to be me. I see her and am motivated to emanate and exude such calm and joy. I am glad I met her in 2021 when I sought to learn Transcendental Mediation. I know my consistency has not been perfect, but I try every day.