Slew of updates

Mondays are typically busy days, and today is no different despite my lack of work. It’s been a very different type of busy.
It’s not even 2 p.m., and I have had a very busy morning with phone updates, lots of travel to and from appointments, and one appointment left to go.
The first update was from the surgeon’s office, stating the initial analysis of the tumor and lymph nodes was completed and that they found cancer cells in my lymph nodes. Due to the low count – I was instructed to take this as a “negative” read” as in – this is good news!
However, the power of the single cells is a concern; this is how I got to where I am in the first place. One cell went berserk and started to work against me—who is to say that a few cells are not already making their way? It did strike fear and a bit of apprehension since we know this cancer is particularly aggressive.
Now I am waiting for the oncologist to decide on whether to initiate the transport of the tumor to California for oncotyping and then 3-4 weeks to wait for those results.
At the next appointment, the nurse practitioner stated that my drain would be removed and that I would continue on the current medication regimen until it ran out. Again, this is positive news. I will no longer see the liquid coming out of me.
It’s overwhelming because while all good news – none of this means I’m out of the woods. I am not in remission yet, according to their criteria, and the continuation of body horror perseveres.
While I no longer have a drain collecting liquid that should be inside my body and not outside – today, the bandages were removed, new steristrips were added, and I came face to face with the aftermath of the reconstruction of my chest. I saw bits, and most of the time, I just looked away.
I’ve always struggled with body dysmorphia and already mentally KNEW I’d now contend with a different kind of battle with body dysmorphia to start with the diagnosis of breast cancer. But damn, that was a lot. I saw from my perspective my reduced chest size and the scarring. It saddened me. They are no longer me, and yet they are? What a convoluted sentence and new reality I have to face. I am always in awe of how incredible the human body is to continue existing and thriving. Now I see just how, despite major invasive surgery, my body still continues, and I am grateful. Just aesthetically, just so different.
There may be more reflection on this soon, but I am thankful for my oversized button-up shirts that I will no doubt rely on in the coming months.
I have one appointment left to go, and I dread it more because of what I’ll hear. I always joke that this provider links everything back to weight, so my money is on advice like, “You’ve got to lose weight.”
Who is to say?